Reflections and Preparation

I am traveling with my husband and we visit Santiago de Compostela in northern Spain. I see people with backpacks and sticks. I am curious and ask questions. I learn about The Camino. I think it sounds interesting and that I would like to do it “someday.” Five years later I receive a telephone call from a friend and she tells me, “There is a movie out about that thing you are always talking about, the Camino. The movie is called The Way starring Martin Sheen. We are going to see it today. Do you want to come along?” It sounds like a fun way to spend the afternoon. Sitting in the theater, I think to myself, “it is time to stop saying, ‘I am going to do that some day, and just do it.” I already have a three month trip to Spain planned for January to study Spanish in Salamanca. But I go ahead and book another trip for April to walk the Camino.

I have been on a spiritual quest since 1984 and I am excited to have the opportunity to do what I believe is a spiritual pilgrimage. I am hoping it will be a life and spirit changing event. And then, because I am me, I start researching and planning. I talk to friends about boots. They also suggest walking poles. I go to REI and check out packs. I read everything I can. I spend a lot of time on the Camino Forum looking for information. I don’t know if the APOC Facebook page was up in late 2011 to early 2012. If it was I wasn’t aware of it. I search the internet. I read books. I buy a guide.

I want the Camino to be an adventure, but I don’t want to get lost. I want the Camino to be a life changing event, but I want to know all about it before I do it. I want the Camino to be a spiritual experience, but I want to stay in my comfort zone. So I study and plan, because I don’t want it to be hard. I don’t want it to hurt. I don’t want blisters, tendonitis, sprains, cuts or bruises. I want to get plenty of sleep. I don’t want to get lost or have any scary moments. Lord knows I don’t want bed bugs. I want it to be easy. I don’t consciously think that I want these things, but I do. I don’t want it to be hard. I don’t want to be hurt, or even uncomfortable.

I buy everything I can find to assure that I will be as comfortable as I would be at home. I buy enough first aid supplies to stock a small hospital, so that i will be prepared to not have an emergency. I get a warm sleeping bag, so I won’t ever be cold. I get clothes for every possible need. I start to gather my things together and realize I will need small truck to carry it all. Maybe I should rent an RV.

I ask a billion questions of anybody I can find that knows anything about the Camino, backpacking, or even hiking. I have walked in five 60 mile, 3 Day walks for breast cancer. I have run/walked in three marathons. I walk a lot. I do yoga. And though I have had surgery on my back, one knee and both hips; I am in pretty good shape for a 65 year old woman. But I train like crazy. I want the Camino to be easy, or at least not too difficult. And, I want to go all the way to Santiago to Saint Jean Pied de Port. No wimping out for me. there is a goal, a proper way to do this, and by God I’m going to do it.

About a month before I am supposed to leave for Spain, I do a face plant on a slippery downhill. I’m fine the next day and go hiking again. the following day I cannot move. My hamstrings are like blocks of ice, my back and neck are in pain and my hips and my knee hurt.  Because of a prior perforated ulcer, I cannot take anti inflammatories, like advil, aspirin, etc. I go to the chiropractor, the back doctor, the hip and knee doctor, my massage therapist and my primary care doctor. They cannot “fix” me. I get furious with them. I try to explain that I am going to Spain to have a spiritual experience and I need to be “fixed” immediately. They look at me like maybe a nice quiet stay in a psych ward would be a better idea. In the midst of this I have my first spiritual experience. Mind you, I am not on the Camino yet, haven’t officially started the Camino, because we all know that happens in SJPP. But as I am driving away from the massage therapists office and listening to a Leonard Cohen CD that I have heard a hundred times, he suddenly starts introducing what he calls a song or a prayer,  that starts like this, “

“If it be your will 

That I speak no more 

And my voice be still 

As it was before 

I will speak no more 

I shall abide until 

I am spoken for 

If it be your will”

I was thunder struck. All I had to do was think the word “walk” instead of “speak” and I had my answer. I decided I could not control the adventure, spiritual experience or life changing event. It wasn’t up to me how it happened. I made a decision to go to SJPP, put on my boots and pack and step out the door. If I took only one step, or went 500 miles, was not up to me. I just needed the willingness to begin and the lessons would be provided.

So I went to SJPP and stepped out. By Logroño I could walk no  further. I had blisters and my knee hurt so bad I was using my walking sticks like crutches and crying while I walked. I saw a doctor in Logroño who told me there wasn’t anything physically wrong with my knee, but that it was inflamed  and I needed to rest for four or five days. So I met a young man who told me about abroad new hostile that had just opened where I could stay for a few days. Fortunately it had a big screen TV and the summer olympics were on that week, because I couldn’t go anywhere. I just sat and iced my knee for five days. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to continue. But after five days, I decided to try.

I got to Santa Domingo and my knee was ok, but not great. In the municipal albergue the hospitalera told me there would be someone there at 4 pm to look at blisters and ankles and knees. And indeed there was someone. He wrapped my knee and said I would be fine. He said to leave the wrapping on for three days. My blisters healed, my knee got better and I made it to Santiago. And I was not thrilled. I thought, “where is my spiritual experience, my life changing event.” I guess I expected a burning bush or at least a sudden illumination. That’s not how it happened for me. I got my Compestela, went to the pilgrim’s mass, saw the botafumeiro swing and I felt empty, somehow cheated. So, I decided to go home a few days early. Friends asked if I would do the Camino again. I said I didn’t think so. I felt  disappointed, cheated almost.

Once I was home I started walking on the beach and taking pictures. I had been a ceramic artist when I went to Spain, but I just didn’t want to go to the studio and work. I wanted to walk on the beach and take pictures. At first this unsettled me. I talked about it with friends. I was mystified, but decided to go with the flow. It wasn’t until some time later at the Gathering of APOC in Santa Barbara, that I realized I had had a life changing event, not just about the ceramics, but about so many things. And that I was not the only pilgrim to come home with this sense of incompleteness. One of the speakers said, “You walk the Camino, and then the Camino walks you.” That rang true for me.

I realized eventually that the Camino had been hard in ways I didn’t expect and the lessons occurred in ways couldn’t have planned. I didn’t get bedbugs, I got lots of sleep, I never didn’t have a bed to sleep in or food to eat; but I had been challenged and it had changed me in many ways. I decided to do it again.

To be continued . . .